NOVEMBER NO WAY R.A.

www.clubopehlia.com

Product website: http://www.championpress.com/ophelia.htm

To subscribe to this free e-zine, please click here and complete the subscription box

A Focus on Fashion

This issue is devoted to a subject mothers and daughters are both interested in: clothes. I receive so many questions about wardrobes, I decided to share some helpful information with you. In this issue, you'll find:

• The Importance of Fashion

• Quiz: What's Your Fashion Sense?

• Fashions for Teens

• Fashion Victim: A True Story about Clothing and Teens

• A Cool Sewing Project

The Importance of Fashion

As a mother you try it instill in your daughter that looks don't matter; it is what is on the inside that counts. While we as adults know the merit in this saying, young girls have different opinions. Clothing has become a big issue and is, not surprisingly, often a cause of relational aggression in teen and 'tween-age girls. Not only the style of clothing the girls wears, but also the brand and the frequency of outfits can be cause for RA type put downs between girls. For example, one girl will make fun of another girl simply because her jeans are from Sears instead of The Limited, Too. Mothers might not understand why petty things like this matter, but to our daughters, it makes perfect sense.

It may actually be easier than you think to notice if your daughter is a victim or relational aggression because of her clothing. When you go shopping does she always beg to go into the name-brand stores? Does she tell you she HAS to have a particular shirt or pair of jeans? Does she make statements like 'but everyone has it' or 'everyone else gets their clothes there?' and select her clothes based on what she sees the 'popular' girls wearing? Once you get to the store, does it seem like she doesn't care to be there because she can't pick everything she wants?

If you suspect your daughter is being bullied because of her appearance, ask her about it, or share a time when you felt 'less than' because of the way you looked. She might be more responsive than you think. Let her know that clothing doesn't matter in the long run, and that if friends judge her by her clothing they are not really friends.

Build her up and let her know that she is a wonderful powerful girl no matter what she wears or how she looks! Encourage her to find people who like her for what's inside, not what she wears.

If clothing continues to be an issue, you may give in a little. If she really wants to brand name clothing, there are good alternatives that teach her the value of a dollar or two (or ten). Take her to stores that sell name-brand clothing for half the cost. These stores sell identical clothing that is overstock or slightly damaged merchandise, but at a reduced cost. (Of course, you'll want to look over the potential purchases carefully, but you can make this a game, too.)

If your daughter seems skeptical, remind her that nobody will know how much she paid for the shirt since it still has the same logo. These stores are full of great outfits she can feel good about without draining your bank account. Since you saved money shopping there, perhaps you can allow her to get a few items that are in season at the name-brand store.

Make sure you follow up. Don't just assume that because you bought your daughter some new clothes that all her problems are solved. Talk to her about appearance, and the role it plays in a woman's identity. Look through magazines and discuss what image about feminity is being portrayed by celebrities and models. See if she is still being made fun of at school--or if she taunts other girls because of less than stellar wardrobes. In either case, you might want to talk to her teacher or other parents to see if, as a group, you can come up to some alternatives to 'fashion bashing.'

Here is a fun quiz for your daughter to take!

Quiz: What is Your Fashion Sense?

1. It is the first day of school. You reach into your closet to grab your favorite outfit. It is . . .

   1. boot-cut jeans, a white button down shirt, and pumas

   2. dirt-washed jeans, a light cotton shirt with embroidery, and Birkenstocks

   3. a stylish cotton miniskirt, layered tanks and tons of accessories
      

2. Your idea of a cool accessory is. . .

   1. A classic purse, stud earrings, and a gold chain necklace.

   2. A hemp necklace, homemade purse and a smile

   3. Earrings, necklaces, bracelets, purses. . . The more the better!
      

3. In your spare time you like to. . .

   1. Relax, read a book or hang out with a close friend.

   2. Take a nature walk or plant flowers.

   3. SHOP!
      

4. When you look into your closet and dresser what do you see?

   1. Jeans and khakis; button down tops in blue and white; some cute t-shirts with quirky logos

   2. A pair of jeans, long skirts, cotton tops, lots of brown and white

   3. Jeans, skirts, dresses, funky shirts in every color in the rainbow!
      

5. How often do you go shopping for new clothes?

   1. Once a month

   2. Shop? I prefer to make my stuff.

   3. Once a week . . . at least!
      

If you had mostly a's your style is classic cool. You like fashion, but you're not a victim of it. You prefer things that are always in style. Not too dated, not old fashion. You are contemporary but you are classic.

If you had mostly b's your style is hippie chic. Your style is your own. You like to make your own fashion. You are a free spirit with not much regard to the latest trends. The biggest trend you like to set is being yourself.

If you had mostly c's your style is fashion diva. You know fashion! You live and breathe it. You love accessories (purses, shoes, bracelets, necklaces, earrings . . . you name it you've got it!) Friends will come to you for fashion advice. You know the latest trends before everyone else and always know where to get them.

Fashions for Teens

Gone are the days when you could pick out cute pink dresses and have your daughter obligingly wear them while begging you to put matching ribbons in her hair. Now clothing has become a battle. Going to the store with your teen or tween may be as much of a nightmare for you as it is for many moms. You have your ideas on what she should buy, and she has her own, and often they clash. Sure, you want her to have independence, build her own style, and have a say in what she wears, but ten different colors of the same tank top? Where do you draw the line between fashion independence and still dressing her everyday?

Here are some tips of compromise when it comes to shopping with or for your daughter.

Go shopping with her to find out what she likes. This way when you are shopping for her on your own (like for birthdays or holidays), you will have a good idea of what she will and won't wear so you can avoid wasting money by buying clothing that gathers dust in the closet. You went shopping and are still clueless?

When all else fails get a gift certificate and supervise the shopping. That way you can still be active in the choices of clothing your daughter makes, but it will give her more freedom to choose things that she and you will BOTH like, rather then outfits that only you like.

If your daughter has her heart set on something you completely disapprove of stand your ground! She wants to buy a skirt that must have been made for a 5 year old (it looks about that big.) Don't allow her to get it just because you can't stand the begging. If you feel it is inappropriate for her age, let her know. Don't just say 'no.' Explain your feelings, for example: 'Natasha, I know you like that skirt but it is too short. Is there another one you like, or some shirts or pants?'

Make sure she comes out of the dressing room to show you every potential purchase. When she is done trying everything on, see which clothes she has chosen, and which ones are your choices vs. hers. Don't worry if your tastes haven't prevailed--a few 'compromise clothes' are better than a wardrobe full of things you hate to see her wear. Being active in the buying process allows your daughter to be independent while making sure she dresses appropriately for her age.

Take her shopping with you. Show her that you value her opinions by asking her to come along when you buy clothes for yourself. Solicit her advice on which outfits are most flattering, remembering that you may have to remind her you are not a teenager. This is a good introduction into the world of professionalism as well as role modeling positive buying power. Explain why you decide to purchase or pass on specific items.

Here are some fall fashion trends that both moms and daughters can agree on. . .

• Fitted sundresses with ruffled bottoms paired with a light cardigan or shrug

• Mesh bags (there a few cute selections at stores like Target and Wal-Mart that won't break the bank)

• Camouflage accents

• V-neck hooded sweatshirts

• Over-sized sweaters paired with slim leg jeans

• Plaid

• Baby Pink

• Electric Blue

Fashion Victim:

A Story about Teens and Clothing*

*This is a true story, written by a girl who was a victim of relational aggression because of what she wore to school.

It seems that when it comes to school, who you hang out with is more important than how good your grades are. Every girl, at one point or another, dreams about being the 'popular girl,' wishing that she was loved by everyone around her. She doesn't dream about straight A's or honor roll. She dreams about being popular.

I was no different. Growing up I was always a great student. I had a love for school and learning. My work was always done on time, and I always received high marks. My friends were the same. They cared about school and shared my same enthusiasm for learning. But as we got older our priorities changed.

Once middle school started we realized that there were other things in life than grades. It wasn't like the change was sudden, but before I knew it all my friends were talking about were clothes, boys, and music. I wanted to be cool like them. It seems like the popular girls always have it way better than everyone else. Boys liked them, people adored them. It couldn't get much better.

At lunch time, my friends would always talk about where they shopped and what outfits they liked. They would make fun of girls who didn't wear the same cool clothing they did. I would join in the taunts and conversations even though, secretly, I was one of those girls. My parents didn't have much money, unlike my friends. My mom and dad could not afford to buy me expensive clothing and shoes. I couldn't have everything I wanted.

For months and months, I would sit at the lunch table with my popular friends making fun of so-and-so because they bought their clothes at JC Penney's or 'that girl' because 'she looks fat in that skirt.' All the while I would be trying to hide my generic jeans and cheap shoes. If they knew where I shopped, I would be shunned.

Then came the day when they found me out. Our parents dropped us off at the mall one Saturday afternoon. We all started shopping at our favorite stores . . . the name-brand stores. The only problem was that I didn't have enough money to shop there. My mom only gave me a little bit of money, and everything in the store was way too expensive. While the other girls purchased bags and bags of mini-skirts and tank tops, I was left to buy one item on the sale rack. We finished up shopping, and at the end of the day when everyone was comparing purchases, I only had one thing to show.

On Monday morning when I got to homeroom, none of my friends said hello to me. I got kind of nervous and then one of the girls passed me a note. When I opened it I couldn't do anything but cry. She said that all the girls I was friends with didn't want to be friends with me anymore.

At lunch they wouldn't let me sit with them, so I wrote them a note. Before I could give it to them I saw them staring at me and laughing.

From then on, whenever I walked by them they would make fun of me. They would say 'nice pants' and laugh, or they would come up behind me pull the tag out of my shirt and make comments on where the shirt was from. Everyday they would humiliate me for not wearing the same clothing as them.

Soon my grades started slipping. I didn't want to go to school anymore. I would cry everyday, and they would make fun of me for crying. They would make fun of me for anything they could. I couldn't stand the comments and torture they dispensed. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I talked to a teacher.

After I told the teacher what happened, she sat down with me and the other girls and asked us what was going on. They all began attacking me saying that I was a liar. Sure, I had lied about where I bought my clothes, but who wouldn't to keep their friends? I had spent everyday listening to them dispense insults to everyone not like them--I didn't want that to be me. My teacher asked me for my side of the story and I told her the truth. I had lied, but only so my friends would like me. I told her how they made fun of me everyday. My teacher told the girls if she saw them making fun of me anymore they would have detention, and then asked that we all apologize to one another.

After that, the tormenting slowed down and eventually stopped. I made friends with some other girls: girls who liked me because I am funny, smart, and interesting, not because I wear cool clothing. As it turns out I like those friends a lot better, and we have a lot more in common. After all that I also learned my lesson. Friends don't judge you based on what you wear; they judge you by who you are. And if you are a good person what friend wouldn't like you just as is.

Shelby

Read Shelby's story with your daughter and see if she can identify with any part of it. Has she ever

• Made fun of someone's clothes?

• Felt put down by others because of what she wears?

• Gone to a teacher for help with bullying?

• Discovered that girls she thought were friends weren't really?

This Issue's Free Printable

A Cool Sewing Activity for You and Your Daughter

Enjoy this wonderful purse-making activity together. Click here to print instructions and photos.

(c) 2006 Cheryl Dellasega and Club/Camp Ophelia. All rights reserved.

To learn more visit http://www.clubophelia.com